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Saturday, 3 March 2012

Kottonmouth Kings

I have a bone to pick with the Kottonmouth Kings.  It has nothing to do with their music.  That fucking rocks.  It's not because many.....okay a fucking lot.....okay all....of their lyrics have to do with legalizing or smoking weed.  Roll up motherfuckers.  It's not because I have anything personally against any of the members of the band.  You don't get any fucking cooler than D -Loc, Daddy X, Johnny Richter, The Dirtball, Lou Dog, DJ Bobby B, and Tax Man. No, the bone I have to pick with the Kottonmouth Kings has to do with $102.72 (CAD), a head of burnt hair and grave disappointment.
The Kottonmouth Kings are a perfect example of how an Independent band can see real success.  They have been making music for more than 15 years.  In that time they have sold more than 2 million albums and have had more than 50 million views on Youtube.  And they did it without the help of the music industry. In fact they created their own music industry.  They’re completely self-empowered, overseeing every aspect of their career from production, videos, Web sites, and merchandise.  Daddy X and Kings manager Kevin Zinger have built a highly successful independent label, Suburban Noize Records, to market and distribute their music, as well as promoting and distributing other artists such as HED PE, Kingsspades, Big b, Saigon, La Coka Nostra.
Their music, as I stated previously seems to have a theme....the legalization and the freedom to smoke marijuana.  And though I'm in agreement with them on that particular point it isn't the only reason I listen.  I continue to listen to the Kottonmouth Kings because there is a social wisdom in their words.  In fact, I have decided that in my next residence one of the design factors in one of my rooms....probably the living room...will have Kottonmouth King lyrics written on the wall.  The song is Think for Yourself ft the Insane Clown Posse and the lyric is:

Think for yourself, man...don't do like they do
It's a sick just gotta stay true
Stay true and everything will be cool
You gotta blaze your own trails and make your own rules

 I mean, how fucking brilliant is that?  (Check out the full video at the end of this blog)  If our schools taught our children how to think instead of how to conform, think of how many great leaders would be churned out for us every fucking year.  But here I am getting political when this blog isn't supposed to be about politics.  I just can't fucking help it...The Kings certainly incite political thinking and start a fire within me that is sometimes hard to contain.  But let's get back to why I am pissed at this band.
A couple of months ago  I was in the process of coloring my hair...I am a natural blonde but as I get older I find the vibrancy of the color of my hair needs a little help.  Anyway, I was coloring my hair when my sons came out of basement to announce to me that the Kottonmouth Kings were coming to Lethbridge.  My answer was "bullshit."  Why would the Kings come to Lethbridge?  "No mom, really!  We saw it on the sign for The Stone!"  The Stone is a small nightclub in Lethbridge.  Now I really didn't believe them. "So you're trying to tell me the Kottonmouth Kings are not only coming to Lethbridge, but they are playing The Stone?  Not possible.  You saw something wrong....what were you smoking?"
They insisted so out comes the laptop to look it up and no shit...there it is, the Kottonmouth Kings scheduled to play The Stone at the end of January.  Holy Fuck!  The dye in my hair and the timer forgotten, I am now on the computer buying tickets to go see the Kottonmouth Kings.  Three tickets for a total of $102.72 (CAD) including fees and taxes, not bad at all.  I had my tickets!!  Then I realized I still had the dye in my hair....needless to say, a full head of hair fried!  I didn't care....well I did but was too happy to be sad about the hair at this point.  The concert was scheduled 2 weeks before my twins birthday.  The birthday that would make them legal to walk into the bar, so they went to work on their phoney ID's.  Yeah that's kids think for themselves too and before you judge my parenting skills, keep in mind the show was two fucking weeks before their birthday and they didn't already have phoney ID's!  Then a couple of weeks before the show we discover the sign is changed outside The Stone.  The Kottonmouth Kings name is removed....back to the computer.  The Kottonmouth Kings have an apology that at this time they will not be able to make their Canadian dates (only 2 by the way) but tickets will be honored to see their replacements.  I won't say the name of the replacement band because though I am a big fan of supporting Indie music, I had bought tickets to the Kottonmouth Kings and I was not interested in seeing anyone else.  I went to the site I had purchased my tickets and saw very clearly...all sales final, no refunds.  Okay, now I'm hair is fried, I'm out $102.72 and the kids efforts to make phoney ID's is wasted time!  So yeah...I got a bone to pick with the Kottonmouth Kings if they ever do cross my path.  Hmmm, I wonder how that would go down......
this is the dream sequence part of the blog...squiggly lines and weird slide whistle noises.....

I am home and hear a knock on the door.  I open the door and discover the Kottonmouth Kings standing at the door.
Daddy X:  Hey Cat, we want to talk about you hatin on us in your blog.
D-Loc: Yeah!
Rest of Kottonmouth King backing up with grumbles of agreement.
Me: Oh yeah?  Well I got a bone to pick with you too.  Please come in and have a seat. (I'm still Canadian...I'm gonna be polite, no matter what).

In walks Daddy X, D-Loc, Johnny Richter, The Dirtball, Lou Dog, DJ Bobby B, and Tax Man, taking seats on the sectional and the various chairs around the room.  Tax Man is shooting me evil looks and though he is very intimidating, I am strong and stare him back down.  Before we get to business I take out my bag and start to roll a's the fucking Kottonmouth gotta know I'm gonna smoke one with them!  Once the "ceremonial piece pipe" has been passed around...several times...and the room is filled with aromatic smoke we get to business.

 Daddy  X: We're sorry we couldn't make the show in January, Cat.  It was due to forces beyond our control.
Me: Yeah, I understand...I was just so disappointed because I was so excited I would see a Kottonmouth Kings show.  I'm a big fan.  You know, I'm gonna write your lyrics on my wall!
Daddy X: Yeah, we read that in your blog....excellent blog by the're a really great writer!
Me: Thank you!!  I love writing about music and you guys really have great music!
D-Loc: Thanks! That's so sweet of you to say!  And we're sorry about your hair're really rockin the bald look though.
The Dirtball: Yeah, you have a very.....unusual shaped head.
I run my hand over the surface that used to be a full head of healthy long blonde hair
Me: Aw thanks guys. And no's only'll grow back.
Tax Man is now laughing, evil eye is gone, replaced by bloodshot slits.  I realize I really like Tax Man and laugh along with him.  I'm not sure what we are laughing at but I don't care.
Johnny Richter: And because of the financial loss you suffered we want to give you a private show for you and all your friends! - Okay I might be getting a little carried away here....scratch that and lets try again.
Johnny Richter: And because of the financial loss you suffered we have 3 tickets for you and your boys for our show tonight!
Me: Fucking A, boys! I fucking love you guys!
Kottonmouth Kings in unison: We fucking love you too, Cat!

As I said earlier....this is a dream sequence...but who fucking knows...could happen, right?  If you haven't heard the Kottonmouth Kings, I've placed a couple of my favorites below and don't forget to check their website at ..............; )


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